


Letting Go

by jstabe



Category: Backstreet Boys, Popslash
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-09-15
Updated: 2005-09-15
Packaged: 2017-10-19 12:30:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/200859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jstabe/pseuds/jstabe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>Nick sighed.  Why did he have to look like that?  Why couldn't he look hideous and worn out?</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Letting Go

Two weeks. Two weeks without a phone call, an email, or a postcard. Not really a long time under normal circumstances, but these circumstances were anything but normal and Kevin knew it. He had checked with the other guys, getting pretty much the response he expected. Neither AJ nor Howie had heard from Nick since Brian's wedding reception. Kevin had sighed and hung up the phone. He'd debated for hours on whether or not he should interfere. They were on a break. Brian was on his honeymoon and the rest of them had scattered, doing their own thing. There was nothing wrong with Nick taking some much needed time by himself. Except that wasn't what Nick was doing and Kevin knew it.

Finally Kevin had packed a bag and boarded a plane. And now here he was, standing on Nick's doorstep without a single clue as to what state he'd find Nick in. He sighed and then knocked on the door, waiting several minutes without getting an answer. He set his bag down and wandered to the garage. Nick's car was there and further down he could see Nick's boat tied to the dock. So where was Nick? He walked around the back of the house and made his way down to the water, searching for Nick.

None of them had been too surprised when Nick bought himself a boat and a small house near the ocean. They had been surprised at how remote the area was, though. Nick liked people, liked to be around them. When AJ had teased him about it, he'd just shrugged it off and said that once in awhile even he needed solitude. Kevin hadn't said anything, but he'd known, even then, why Nick needed a retreat.

Finally, he saw Nick. He was sitting on the sand, staring out at the ocean, a lost expression on his face. Fuck. He should have gotten here sooner. Hell, he never should have let Nick leave in the first place. He walked closer and sat down next to Nick. Nick's head jerked up and he looked at Kevin, startled.

"What are you doing here?"

"I was in the neighborhood and thought I'd see what you were up to."

Nick grinned a little. "Uh huh. Cause Kentucky is so in the neighborhood of Florida. I thought you were staying with your family while we're off."

"I am."

It took a second for that sink in and when it did, the gratitude that flashed in Nick's eyes tore at Kevin's heart.

"It's gonna be okay, Nicky."

Nick's smile faded and he turned his attention back to the water.

"Yeah, sure, whatever."

Kevin sighed, but didn't say anything else. Nick would talk when he was ready. They sat there in somewhat comfortable silence, watching the sun set. When the last rays had faded, Nick stood up, brushing sand off his shorts.

"I'm starving. Want to get something to eat?"

"Sounds good. Airline food sucks."

Nick laughed and Kevin got up and followed him into the house. They argued good-naturedly over what to order, Kevin opting for Chinese while Nick preferred pizza. In the end, Kevin gave in and Nick called in their order. While they waited, Nick took Kevin upstairs to the guest room so he could unpack. He sprawled on the bed, watching as Kevin put his things away.

"How long are you staying?"

Kevin shrugged. "As long as you need me to."

Nick's smile was soft and sad, head hanging low as he stared at the bedspread. "That could be awhile. Won't Kristin miss you?"

Kevin walked over and sat down next to Nick. He reached out and brushed the hair out of Nick's eyes.

"I'm here as long as you want me to be. Kris understands."

"Christ, is there anybody that doesn't know what an idiot I am?"

Kevin reached out and took Nick's chin in his hand, forcing him to look up. "She knows what's going on, but I didn't tell her. I didn't have to. The other guys know, too. You can't hide things from family, Nick. We all know you're hurting. It doesn't make you an idiot."

"I just... I hate that they know. That everyone's looking at me. Pitying me. Thinking less of me cause I was so damn stupid not to see it coming."

"No one pities you and we damn sure don't think less of you. We love you. We just want you to be happy."

"I'm not even sure that's possible anymore."

Before Kevin could say anything, the doorbell rang. Nick flew off the bed and rushed downstairs, grateful for the interruption. Shaking his head, Kevin followed at a much slower pace, cursing the interruption. Nick had been so close to talking to him.

The rest of the evening passed quickly. It was obvious that Nick didn't want to talk so Kevin didn't push him. They ate and watched movies and the evening passed quickly. Finally, after Kevin had nearly fallen asleep twice, Nick poked him in the ribs.

"Go to bed, old man."

"I'm not old," Kevin replied automatically. "And I'm not tired."

He immediately ruined that statement with another huge yawn, making Nick laugh.

"Sure you're not. Go to bed, Kevin. You had a long flight and it's late."

Kevin nodded reluctantly. Nick was right, he was exhausted. It had been a long couple of weeks with the wedding preparations and everything else that had been going on.

"Alright, if you're sure you don't mind."

"Nah, go ahead. I'm gonna lock up and then go to bed, too. I was up early today."

Kevin got up and headed for the stairs. He paused at the bottom.

"I'm here whenever you're ready."

"I know."

Kevin sighed and went upstairs. He showered quickly and then put on boxers and a T-shirt before crawling wearily into bed. As worried as he was about Nick, sleep came quickly, the events of the last few weeks catching up to him. He had no idea how long he'd been in bed when he was startled awake by Nick climbing into bed with him. Nick crawled up next to him and settled on his side, his back to Kevin. Kevin smiled when Nick reached back and grabbed his arm, tugging insistently until Kevin rolled onto his side and wrapped his arm around Nick. His long fingers rubbed idle circles on Nick's belly as he waited to see what Nick would do. Finally, Nick's voice came to him in the darkness.

"He lied to me. He was the one person I thought would always be straight with me, but he lied."

"What did he lie to you about?"

"He said he loved me."

"And you think he didn't?"

"I know he didn't. If he did, he wouldn't have married someone else."

"Nick..."

"I don't want to talk about it. I just want to go to sleep. It's okay if I stay here, right? I haven't been sleeping too well."

"Of course it's okay."

"You won't leave before I wake up?"

Kevin frowned at the odd question. "No, I'm not going to leave you."

Nick's laugh was bitter. "That's what he said."

Kevin had a million questions running through his head, but he knew he couldn't ask them. Nick didn't want to talk and forcing the issue would just result in a pissed off Nick. Kevin could wait. He wasn't known for his patience, but he could have some when something was important to him and Nick definitely fell into that category.

When Kevin woke the next morning, Nick was propped on his side, watching him.

"You didn't leave."

"Told you I wouldn't."

Nick's eyes searched his and then he nodded and jumped out of bed.

"Come on, I'm starving. I'll make breakfast."

Kevin laughed. "You can't cook."

"Yeah, but even I can stick frozen waffles in the toaster."

After breakfast, they spent the day hanging around the house. It was Kevin's first visit so Nick gave him the grand tour. Then they walked on the beach, chatting about inconsequential things, just catching up. Nick would talk about anything as long as Brian's name wasn't mentioned. If Kevin tried to steer the conversation in that direction, Nick would either change the subject or not acknowledge that Kevin had spoken at all.

When Kevin went to bed that night, he stayed up for awhile, waiting for Nick. By one o'clock he gave up and went to sleep. The glowing numerals on the alarm clock read half past three when Nick slid under the covers. Kevin rolled over and curled himself around Nick.

"Sorry, couldn't sleep."

"Don't worry about it."

Kevin ran his hand slowly up and down Nick's arm, drifting in that half-awake half-asleep place.

"Did Brian tell you about us? Is that how you knew?"

"Brian didn't have to tell me. We all knew when things changed between you."

Nick tensed. "How? We were careful. We didn't want..."

"Relax. I didn't mean the whole world knew. Just us guys. You can't spend years stuck on a cramped tour bus and not learn a few things about your friends. The changes were subtle, but I knew what was happening."

"Why didn't you say anything? Why didn't you try to stop it?"

"Would you have listened?"

"Yes," Nick replied stubbornly.

"Yeah right. You were sixteen, constantly horny, and in lust with your best friend. Back then I couldn't have told you the sky was blue without it starting an argument. If I had told you that I had serious reservations about you and Brian, you would have moved even faster just to spite me."

Nick couldn't really argue with that. In those first days, when everything was new and exciting, no one could have convinced him that he and Brian were making a mistake.

"Were you... were you upset about us because you didn't think that I was good for Brian?"

"Why would you think something like that?"

Nick shrugged, but wouldn't elaborate. Kevin tightened his hold around Nick and kissed his temple.

"I never thought that you weren't good for Brian. I was worried about the whole situation. The two of you work together. If things didn't work out, there could be serious repercussions for the group if you couldn't work together anymore. And if it did work out, well, then there was the media and all that crap to deal with."

"Guess you didn't have to worry about the last of that," Nick said quietly. Before Kevin could reply, he continued. "It's late and I'm tired. Night, Kevin."

Kevin let it go. For now. "Good night, Nick."

That day set the precedent for the ones that followed. During the day, they hung out; they went for walks, went sailing, went shopping, played basketball. In the evening, they'd grill out and eat dinner on Nick's patio, watching the ocean and talking. They went to bed separately, but always, sometime in the middle of the night, Nick would get into bed with Kevin and he'd talk. It was the only time he'd talk about what was bothering him. It was easier in the dark; he didn't have to see Kevin and Kevin couldn't see him.

***

"The first time we kissed I don't know who was more surprised. I'd kinda been thinking about it, but I had no clue that he'd been thinking about it too. Hey, you're not gonna get weird if I mention sex stuff, are you?"

"Gee, I don't know. Let's see. Talk about sex that involves my youngest best friend and my cousin. No, that shouldn't be weird at all."

"Dork."

"Good night, Nick."

"Night, Kevin."

***

",,, and we waited until you guys left for the club and then we snuck up on the roof and just stayed there, looking out at all the lights. It was gorgeous up there, but a hell of a lot colder than we thought it would be. We both got sick."

"I remember that! You both sounded like shit and we had to scratch playing live at an interview. I was so pissed at the both of you."

"It was worth it."

***

"When I was bored, Brian would entertain me by singing our songs to me. Only he'd change the words and make them really dirty. For awhile there, I had a hard time singing them cause I'd remember Brian's version and start laughing."

"Brian made up dirty lyrics?"

"Yep. He's a bigger perv than you might think."

"I really didn't need to know that."

"Yes, you did. You're boring. Maybe I should sing some of them to you."

"Don't even think about it."

"Night, Kevin."

"Good night, Nick."

***

"Leighanne started hanging around more and even though Brian didn't really act all that different, I knew. I knew something was changing. He promised me nothing was going on. That he loved me."

"I remember when she started showing up at our concerts and stuff. I wondered why, but neither you nor Brian had ever told us what was going on between the two of you so I could never ask."

"I didn't want to talk about it. Besides, Brian said everything was fine between us so I had to believe him, right? Only I didn't. And I started having nightmares again. He'd hold me and tell me that nothing was wrong, that I was being crazy, that he wasn't going to leave me."

"I wish you had talked to me. I hate that you were going through this alone."

"I know. I just felt too stupid. I didn't have any proof that I was right and I was afraid if I said something out loud, about Brian and Leighanne, that would make it..."

"Real?"

"Yeah. I'm tired. Gonna go to sleep now."

"Night Nick."

"Night Kevin."

***

"We used to take turns staying in one of our rooms. It didn't matter which one, we'd just pick one. Then he started not wanting me to come to his. He'd come to mine and even though it bugged me, I didn't say anything. I mean, he was still spending the night with me. Who cares what room we were in. But then he started leaving before I woke up. He never did that, ever."

"Did you talk to him about it?"

"Sort of. I woke up one morning and he was gone again. I got pissed and went to his room. I didn't knock. Why would I? He was on the phone. With her. It sounds so cute in interviews, doesn't it? Brian telling all about how he calls Leighanne every morning when he's on tour. That way they always start the day together."

"Fuck, Nick, I never knew that. I..."

"So, you still make kick ass pancakes? Cause I'm getting tired of waffles."

Kevin sighed. "Sure. I can make breakfast tomorrow."

"Cool. Night, Kev."

"Good night, Nick."

***

By the third week of Kevin's visit, he began to think that maybe Nick's method, strange as it was, was actually working. Nick's smile was more genuine and his laughter came more often than it had when Kevin had first arrived. He didn't fool himself into thinking that Nick was healed, but he seemed to be doing a lot better than he had been.

A few days before they had to meet up with the rest of the guys, Kevin was sitting on the patio reading the paper when Nick joined. He didn't say anything for a long time, just sat and watched the waves lap at the sand. Finally, he turned to face Kevin.

"Do you think he loved me at all?" he asked softly.

Kevin set his paper aside, stunned almost as much by the question as by the fact that Nick was actually looking at him while asking. In broad daylight.

"Of course he did. He made mistakes and he hurt you, but he loved you."

"How can you say that? How can I know that? Sometimes I wonder if I was just an experiment. If Brian was just curious and I was available."

"Jesus, Nick, how can you think that?"

"Gee, I don't know. Maybe cause he dumped me. Cause he lied to me. He broke my heart and moved right on to Leighanne without even looking back. He stood up in a church full of his family and friends and said "I do" without any hesitation at all, without even glancing my way. Am I that easy to forget? That easy to get over?"

"I wouldn't say it was easy. He just had more time. You've been waiting for him to change his mind, haven't you? Waiting for him to break up with Leighanne and come back to you."

Nick didn't answer, but the look on his face spoke volumes.

"It wasn't real until he married her, was it? Before, when Brian and Leighanne were just dating, there was hope. But now they're married and you know how Brian feels about marriage."

Nick nodded, swallowing hard.

"So you've spent the last year waiting for Brian to come back to you and he's spent it moving on. It's not a question of you being forgettable or unlovable or whatever. It's a matter of Brian making the decision about how he wanted to spend the rest of his life and then moving toward that."

"It hurts. So fucking bad. All the time."

"I know it does. I wish I could take the pain away, but I can't. All I can tell you is that you have to stop torturing yourself. Brian loved you."

"But how do you know for sure?"

"You know Brian as well as I do. Better. You know how he was raised. What he was raised to believe. In a lot of ways, his beliefs are much more rigid than mine. He always knew he'd be a husband and father some day. That's what boys do. Grow up to be family men. For him to put aside those beliefs, even as briefly as he did, to be with you shows how important you are to him. Unfortunately, he got to the age where his family was hinting around about marriage and children and he started to feel like it was time. Time to live the life he was supposed to. So he gave you up and found someone he could marry."

"It's not fair."

"I know."

Nick rested his elbows on his knees and dropped his head onto his hands. He felt Kevin's arms come around him and he let himself be pulled up tight to Kevin's chest. Tears that had been threatening for weeks began to fall and he finally let them, tired of holding them in. Kevin didn't say a word, just held him and stroked his back as the sobs shook him. When the crying tapered off, he moved away from Kevin and leaned his head back against the swing.

"That's the first time I've cried since the night Brian left me.'

"Did it help?"

"No. Yes. I guess. Damn it."

Kevin laughed and Nick swatted him.

"I don't want to feel better yet, damn it. It hurts less when I'm mad at him."

"It does?"

"No. Jerk. I miss him. Miss my best friend. Almost more than I miss my boyfriend."

"We're going to see him in a couple of days. You going to be okay with that?"

"Have to be. Now that I know it's really over, I have to get over him. Move on."

"You know I'm there any time you need me. And so are AJ and Howie. We all love you."

"I know." Nick leaned over and hugged Kevin. "Thanks. For coming down here and staying with me. For listening. For not saying 'I told you so'."

"You don't have to thank me. My littlest brother was in trouble. Where else would I be?"

"I love you, Kev."

"Love you too."

Nick sighed and leaned his head against Kevin's shoulder. They sat there together, watching the sun set, both of them wondering what would happen when Nick actually saw Brian again.

***

They had decided to meet at AJ's after the break. His house wasn't too far from their next concert and he offered to let them all stay overnight so they could escape hotel life for one more day. Besides, it would give them all a chance to catch up before the madness of touring resumed again.

Nick was nervous and almost bouncing off the walls. Kevin was extremely grateful when they finally arrived at AJ's. The minute Kevin pulled into the driveway, AJ was coming out to meet them.

"Damn it's good to see you guys! Can't believe I actually missed you," AJ said, pulling Nick into a hug.

Greetings and hugs and general chaos ensued then Nick noticed Howie coming out of the house.

"D!"

He left to see Howie and AJ turned to Kevin.

"He okay?"

Kevin shrugged and started to answer, but before he could another car pulled into the drive.

"Guess we're about to find out."

Nick froze when he heard the arrival of another vehicle. Only one person it could be. He steeled himself and turned around. And there was Brian, striding up the driveway. Nick sighed. Why did he have to look like that? Couldn't he look hideous and worn out? Something. Anything other than gorgeous and so much like his Brian that it hurt Nick to look at him. He walked forward and then they both stopped, several feet still between them.

For a few seconds there was a tense silence. Brian raised a nervous hand and ran it through his hair, sunlight catching the gold on his left hand and reflecting it back at Nick. Nick swallowed and closed his eyes. This wasn't his Brian. This was Leighanne's Brian. Married Brian. He felt a hand on the back of his neck and turned to see Kevin next to him. Kevin smiled at him and the moment passed. Nick could breathe again. He closed the distance between them and pulled Brian into a hug.

"Hey Frick. How was the honeymoon?"

He felt all the tension drain from Brian as the other man's arms came around him.

"Amazing. Awesome. Lots of other words along that line."

Nick laughed and pulled away. The rest of the guys crowded around them, clamoring for details. In the commotion, Kevin leaned in and whispered in Nick's ear.

"Everything alright?"

Nick smiled at him. "Not yet, but it will be."


End file.
